Comment on 3/25 What Do you look for in a Mate? by shaydhd

Parent Post: 3/25 What Do you look for in a Mate?

shaydhd · 4/4/2025, 9:56:48 PM · permalink

So many weird answers on this thread 😅  
  
Personally what makes me swoon is when a guy smells good. No matter where we are or who it is.   
  
Red flags: I’ll just give 2 because these two are common sense but not always self-evident.   
\- Not putting the phone down to give me undivided attention when I am talking. Now before you come for me, this is actually covering a few things that help me as a woman feel safe.  
1\. It’s respectful and in turn, I try to be mindful of the respect being shown and will check in periodically to make sure he’s still able/has time/wants me to keep going. Too often women just demand/expect other peoples time until they feel better, which is unfair to the man imo. Undivided attention should be given to anybody trying to communicate to you, but also the one communicating MUST be mindful of the respect being given/shown in order to expect one’s undivided attention.   
2\. Shows that he WANTS to listen and be in the moment with me.  
3\. His head is up and if we are out in public or at dinner, he’s also going to have better awareness of his surroundings.   
4\. He can have relationships outside of technology.  
5\. He’s aware and considerate of how it feels to be talking to someone that’s on their phone.  
\- Doesn’t drive safely with me in the car: I love a good back road adventure to show off his pride and joy rig he spent his time and money on. What I don’t love is high speeds in areas where we and others could potentially be hurt/killed. Take me somewhere safe to show off your skills but so many variables exist when you add other drivers in the mix that it’s just not worth it. Also, if you can’t drive safely or are on your phone all the time to the point of swerving and having to correct all the time, it shows an inability to think of others safety outside of yourself. Self-awareness ain’t there.   
\- Tone of voice: This is such an underrated form of communication that I think more people would make their lives a whole lot easier if they learned that it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Every time my dad would blow a conversation off, he’d say “whatever” and every time he said it (and still does) it sounds like “Fuck you”. An extreme example but women do better with how you say something versus what you say. This is the reason I have noticed also gets men in trouble a lot. It doesn’t have to be obnoxious and it wouldn’t even take that much effort for you to start being mindful to *how* you say things. Especially when called out for something you don’t understand what you said. 9/10 it wasn’t what you said but *how* you said it. Girl math. I know. But it’s easier for you to change your tone than it is for us to undo that hardwiring. (There’s always exceptions to these and I am coming from the perspective that women are also doing their due diligence. For example: did you ask him a stupid question when he’s tired and just walked in the door? Are you playing passive aggressive games instead of communicating your needs? Is YOUR tone the right tone for the conversation you’re trying to have? All this and more need to be on the table for this red flag to apply and if it’s not, then I encourage men to use this red flag as well.)  
  
What makes me happy in a relationship: Laugher.   
My partner and I now if you were to ask me what my favorite part of our relationship, I would say “We always are laughing and having a good time with each other.” We both are super independent, but when we’re together after work, we spend that time telling each other the stories of the day and usually end on a high note. We both have different goals but have figured out when it’s time to step back and support the other person when it’s their turn.  
  
One of my favorite comments I ever read on yt one time was: “I work hard to provide the home. She makes it a home.” And that’s honestly what we live by. I do my best to make sure (because I am home more) to make sure he can feel the difference walking through the front door, and if he protects me from everything out there, I protect him while he’s home with me. That our home is a home worth providing for. That makes me happy as a wife is creating a space for there to be laughter and a good time, even when things are hard, the environment is safe for us to figure things out together. I know not everybody has that or understands that. Growing up I had that sometimes, but really I had to learn and unlearn a lot. So his patients as I healed wounds was something I needed initially but I had to do the work and not expect him to wait for me to heal forever. And learning how to create a home was something that we both needed to put some work into learning, but it didn’t take as long because we laughed more than we fought, made it us against the problems and really, it was me as a woman that has seen how awful the world treats men—I have brothers I adore who both married women that make it impossible to have relationships with them. I never wanted to be a woman brainwashed by society and set unrealistic boundaries and expectations because I wasn’t willing to look in the mirror. I have my moments and so does he, but I had to decide to heal so he was the one person that had my unrelenting forgiveness because I would need his. (Of course there are exceptions and I am not saying stay if someone is abusive. But I do think women need to take more responsibility in learning how men work and figure out how to be more gracious and recognize how we’ve been taught a lot of terrible behaviors and cognitive dissonance in the name of progress too). So that’s one of my favorite parts of my relationship now is how he’s helped me to heal in all these ways by being my mirror. Sometimes it’s him but so often he’s just doing the best he can and I have to double check my expectations and blame to which then if it is him, it’s easier to come from a place that he feels safe to explain or object or just talk through it.  
  
I wanted to go into a bit of the details just in case there’s women that read this too but also my message to men is: You deserve to a woman who provides a home for you spiritually and mentally. Someone who is thoughtful of you and notices the unspoken burdens you carry. But she also deserves a man that can take constructive criticism without seeing it as nagging. I believe it’s a statistic or it’s something surveyed that most women are afraid of being killed by a man, most men are afraid of being humiliated (and being killed by a man). Like on a fundamental level. So when women “nag” what that tends to mean is - your behavior is making me feel unsafe, or your behavior is socially going to cost you to feel humiliated if you don’t course correct. Our brains are wired neurotic for all kinds of survival reasons, so if she’s acting crazy, you need to figure out why she’s acting crazy. It may or may not have something to do with you but if you don’t get to the bottom of it and help her feel safe again and change the behaviors or help her solve the problems that are making her feel unsafe, or showing her that you care enough to do so and reassure her, then you’ll be the common denominator in your relationship problems. I have noticed that men just don’t understand how much reassurance women need on a daily basis that they are safe. It will lessen over time how often you need to do this, and not every woman deserves this, because trust me, I understand how actually crazy women can be. Every betrayal I’ve ever had that destroyed me truly was from women that were fucking crazy! However, most men have a pretty good crazy radar by now. And I have my own message for women too but that message is better through tone of voice than words, but just wanted to offer that based on a lot of posts I’ve read here. Anyway. Thanks for reading! And thank you OP for the questions!

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shaydhd · 4/4/2025, 9:57:39 PM · permalink

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logical · 4/4/2025, 11:52:39 PM · permalink

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